“I believe in happy endings. If you’re not happy, that just means it’s not the ending.”
— Walt Disney Imagineer, Alice Davis
I’ve had a few Twitter conversations regarding this topic so I thought I’d share my opinion on the word breast cancer “survivor” which people keep telling me that I will be, in time.
I’m focused on thankfulness, gratitude and looking for everything and everybody that I can be grateful for. I’m telling people that I love them. I’m making myself laugh more often than I was doing.
I am not dying.
I’m very much alive.
In the here and now.
So what’s to survive?
I am putting my energy on building joy and on increasing my inner vibrational happiness at this time. It just feels way better (for me).
There’s no denying my tears.
I let them flow.
I let them go.
I move onward.
As feelings arise, I give them the space they deserve.
I say hello.
I keep on moving forward.
Snippets of anger and frustration visit.
And as fast as they show, I tell them to go.
I fill my head with goodness.
And work to create.
More happy cells.
The light is where I want to live now.
It’s a word that helps many I know, “survivor.”
But for me, I’m just me.
I’d rather be.
An incredible and courageous human.
With a blip.
A glitch to surpass.
In this beautiful life.
So I say gently to those who wish to label me in advance (and I know you do it with tremendous love) as “survivor” … thank you, but …
p.s. I don’t use the word “survivor” I’m an incredible courageous human with a blip, a glitch to surpass in this beautiful life.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer, on April 17th, 2014. I am 53 years old.
This blog is just about to transform into my personal journal, for documenting my life (and recovery from) breast cancer. I will write more soon, fill you in on some details, and organize this website into an inspiring and hopeful space. For now, it is as barren and white as the unknown that I am about to leap into.
Tomorrow morning, April 30th, I’ll be in hospital for a lumpectomy and removal of the sentinel node and a few other lymph nodes. My focus at this very moment is on getting myself into the right head space for morning, so please do come back, and let’s get this blog started! A new adventure begins.
I can. Yes I can. I will. Beat this I will.
Tears well up.
In between sentences and silences.
I can do this. Everything will be OK. You can beat this Brenda.
Tears well up in wonder while waiting.
Have you ever been in love? Really. In love to the depths of your very being?
How about … have you been in love with a pet, a dog, or a puppy?
I was. I am.
The hurt, when snatched away forever, as if to not matter.
Words that some people have used to describe. This person.
9 months old. The love of my life, she was.
JOY. Upon. Waking.
Heart on sleeve.
Heart in both hands.
Now. Heart Broken. Totally it seems. In a million pieces.
With no way to return.
To the way. Of before.
– brenda johima
* In memory of my puppy Xena (my once in a lifetime soul dog), who I had in my life way too briefly, from August 27, 2012, to March 5, 2013. Please note, I want to set the record straight. I NEVER gave Xena up by choice. She was taken back by the breeder, without just cause, and who breached my contract. She literally took Xena from my arms, and I have never seen her since.
This is a warning to everyone in the public, I am a very smart woman, and I got fooled by something that was too good to be true.
Please save yourself a heartbreak if you attach deeply and love your dogs as much as I do.
Do not ever participate in a program of “fostering” or “guardian” for “professional” purebred dog breeders.
They literally can (and did) snatch your dog;/puppy back, without just cause, as happened to me, leaving you financially and emotionally hurting. (this is different than “fostering” rescues or dogs, puppies and pets in need, from reputable rescue organizations).
In “fostering” for a “professional” breeder, you do not pay upfront for the puppy, but you pay all the costs for veterinary, food, and daily care. You take this “forever” puppy into your home as it is your own. (that is how it is presented and sold by breeders) … she was MINE! (I thought) …
I taught little Xena puppy every command, spent 24/7 with her, socialized her with people of all kinds, took her to a zillion different places to explore and see different things. I taught her how to climb over logs and bridges and obstacles, and she could RUN LIKE THE WIND!
I wanted Xena as an agility dog, when she would be old enough, and was eager to do obedience and agility with this little sweetie. In the meantime, she got to practice on her “race track” and run FULL SPEED here in Fanny Bay, on the mud flats and beaches, with no vehicle access. A safe place to train running. The biggest mistake I made was send the breeder videos of Xena in action. I could FEEL that they wanted her back as they too, knew they had an agility trophy prize winner on their hands, but were stuck, as I had Xena under contract with me.
Unfortunately, Xena had some health problem that needed further veterinary investigation. Somethining that showed like a “head tremor” and I was willing to do ANYTHING to make sure she was OK. The breeder insisted I deliver Xena to her, to take her to her own vet, despite my willingness to work with my veterinary clinic here. The breeder took Xena right from my arms. I have never seen her again (except on the breeder’s website) and we fully expected Xena to be coming back to our home after the breeders veterinarian checked her out.
This ended VERY badly. And a greedy breeder, who kept Xena, despite me following the contract to a tee. A contract I followed to perfection, in fact.
End of Story.
Always Love, Xena My Soul Dog,